The Magic of Distance

A dear friend and I were recently analyzing the reasons that some out-of-town business trips can generate great memories with work colleagues who already are, or because of the trip, become great friends.

Many of us have countless opportunities to visit with work colleagues in the office, at luncheons and after work events.  When we're at home, each of these sessions comes to a natural conclusion, with each of us returning to the demands of daily responsibilities - job, family and community.  When we are out of town, these normal daily demands are temporarily suspended.  Those great conversations can continue without detriment to other responsibilities.

We owe it to ourselves, and those we hold dear, to create some less time-bounded opportunities to let our conversations morph as they can when our daily responsibilities are distant.

Caring and Sharing

I'm thrilled that my life is filled with so many different opportunities to deepen friendships by sharing meaningful perspectives.  This past week, I hosted seven other members of Greater Houston Partnership's Executive Women's Partnership for a fall dine-around.  I knew each of these amazing women, from varied industries, before they arrived, but had not previously spent meaningful time with two of them.

We caught up on big changes before sitting down for dinner.  Over salads, we contemplated the question we'd been asked to consider by GHP about workforce.  Then, the sharing and caring began, as we contemplated "gratitude".  This simple open-ended round-table discussion provided a chance to get to appreciate one another at an "everything's connected" level.  So many unexpected connections, shared experiences and appreciation for who we all are at the core, were revealed.

Though it's impossible to recreate the magic of a single special event, the sharing and caring provide wonderful memories to enhance each relationship.

Each of us has the chance at structured events to get to know others at a more memorable level. Asking about gratitude can cause a pessimist to reconsider the situation, and give an optimist the chance to spread joy.

Levels of Knowing

It struck me this week, as I had a totally different conversation with someone I've known for many years, that different settings provide different levels of knowing others.  My best relationships, and I suspect most others' are as well, multi-faceted.  Sometimes we short-change ourselves by pigeonholing relationships into a defined arena.  When we share additional interests, the relationship can positively morph from a certain category of friendship to a broader, more satisfying one.

This was another reminder that time can be a less significant measure of impact than shared interests.

Bounce-back

All of our potted plants thrive with once per week watering, except one.  And it demands to be watered twice per week, wilting severely, if too many days pass without a drink.  I was convinced, that in my vacation absence, I'd killed this plant.  It was so seriously dehydrated that Gar asked, when he saw the perky plant this morning, if I'd replaced it.

This incredible bounce-back from from a major affliction made me realize once again we can learn so much from nature.  Think about the damage to human relationships that are sometimes caused by minor infractions.  When we realize that my plant's near-death experience was remedied by a bit of TLC, it's easy to see that we'd be well advised to administer and accept TLC frequently in our human relationships.  

2:1

We just returned from a delightful road trip to Austin.  We made this 5 hour round trip trek on great highways, through beautiful country to spend 2.5 hours with Gar.  Ratios are great for measuring business success, but can't begin to capture the benefit of time spent with those we love.

This experience reminded me that impact and importance trump statistics in our personal relationships.

Things We Can't Delegate

Delegation can  reduce stress and increase productivity.  However, there are a number of things that we can't delegate  - eat, sleep, exercise and relationships.

Intentional v. Unintentional

Things don't always happen as we'd hope.  Often it is unintentional neglect, oversight or ignorance of the situation that causes angst or hurt feelings.  When appropriately addressed, we can forgive and move on.  However, many damaged relationships occur because we think (or know) that the slights were intentional. 

Regardless of our assessment of how intentional or unintentional the action or inaction may be, we owe it to ourselves to assess the importance of the real or perceived unmet expectation. 

Valued relationships deserve fair assessments, the benefit of the doubt and second chances.

We all make many unintentional, and often unconscious, mistakes. 

Often, we need to accept heartfelt apologies intentionally and excuse unintentional slights as anomalies.

Superficial, Not Meaningless

There are many superficial (shallow) initial conversations.  However, for those of us who believe that everything's connected we recognize that every conversation could lead to something significant.  Many (seemingly) superficial conversations are the necessary first steps toward building a meaningful relationship.

Success results from creating meaningful connections.  

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Bite Marks on My Tongue

Age and experience provide so many opportunities to improve our relationships.  The bite marks on my tongue (from words unsaid) heal easily.  The mental anguish (mine and other's) from unintended angry words linger. 

Life Tips from Christmas Carols

I love Christmas music!  One of Houston's radio stations plays non-stop Christmas music during December, allowing easy access to a variety of tunes.  The lyrics convey a range of messages from the true meaning of Christmas to merely upbeat seasonal cheer.  Regardless of the messages contained in the songs, some of the titles provide reminders of things we can do throughout the year to improve our relationships, effectiveness and impact.

• Joy to the World - With an attitude of gratitude and willingness to help, we can each bring more joy to the world.
• Silent Night - We all need time to think, plan and reflect without human and technological interruptions.
• Deck the Halls - Celebrate everything! 
• Do You Hear What I Hear? - Listening is one of the most critical communications skills.  Both the message sender and receiver have a responsibility to determine that what was said was actually heard in the way intended.
• Go Tell It On a Mountain - Sharing our tips, knowledge, experiences and contacts expands opportunities and enhances relationships.
• Jingle Bells - Celebrate successes!  Ring the bell frequently for small and large accomplishments.

That Looks Good

Edgar and I walked up to our favorite neighborhood restaurant for dinner tonight.  It's always crowded on weekends, but was also booming on a Tuesday evening.  As we were leaving, Edgar spotted an intriguing dish and stopped to ask about it.  Not too surprisingly, in my "everything's connected" world, his question caused me to turn around and be able to greet a long time business friend and meet her son and husband.  We soon discovered that the yummy treat was a birthday surprise for her husband.

Perfect opportunities present themselves every day to further our relationships.  Sometimes it only requires curiosity about a tasty looking treat.

Life Support for an Ego

I met someone this week, who I described to a friend as, a life-support system for an ego.  It is clear that this individual has many skills and experiences.  Some of his words indicated that he wanted to be helpful.  However, his first words were all about him and his credentials.  Some of his language was condescending, since he was totally unaware that I shared some of his credentials. 

It is quite probable that this individual is clueless that he undermines his credibility by antagonizing those with whom he interacts.

With this harsh assessment, I must add that my friend voiced what I had already realized - this was a very insecure individual.  As with most interactions, this one was "not about me".  

When we can separate what is being said from what is actually being communicated, we go to the head of the class in strengthening relationships and adding consultative value.

Everything's Often Connected in Ways We Never Imagine

I'm continually amazed at how small our enormous world is.  Recently, I've discovered additional connections that weren't previously apparent, including two sets of cousins are who are my friends and colleagues (all four individuals don't know each other). Four very different last names masked any connections.  Chance conversations revealed these special relationships.   Each of these individuals is very accomplished at their very different responsibilities. 

This was another vivid reminder that we never know how broad, deep and varied connections are.  Thus, we never know how quickly our positive and negative communications will reach those we know, but never expected to be party to the information.

This is yet another reminder to broadly share praise for others and closely contain negative feedback to a need to know basis.

Joy of Visiting

The altered schedule of summer brings more flexibility to our calendars as school events conclude and business and non-profit organizations attempt to honor the vacation season by planning major events during the other nine months of the year.  I'm reminded of my childhood summers when the joy of visiting was perfected by my grandparents. No one was ruled by the clock.  Relatives of all ages came and went, fluidly joining the camaraderie. 

Amidst the hustle and bustle of daily living, we could all benefit by embracing the simple joys of visiting with those we cherish.  Summer vacations, "staycations", free evenings and weekends provide the opportunity to recharge our batteries and re-energize our relationships.

A Lot of Help From Friends

When the power went off in our building this morning we had to develop a contingency plan to host a special group of guests for a luncheon. After 45 minutes, with no indication of resolution, we had to enlist the help of our next door hotel neighbors and the flexibility of our caterer to create an alternate venue.  Thanks to PDAs, email notification of the change of venue was possible. 

The hotel makes a lot of revenue from food and beverage, so under ordinary circumstances they would never have allowed us to rent a room and bring an outside caterer to produce the event.  And for these same reasons, the caterer had never produced an event at a hotel.   Thankfully, the hotel made an exception to policy and the caterer has had experience in setting up their mobile operations in widely varied venues.  Fire code necessitated setting up the cooking elements outside the hotel for today's luncheon.

All of our expected guests (plus an extra one) arrived, and a great time was had by all.  Fortunately, we had a terrific, long-standing relationship with our hotel neighbor and caterer.  Both parties rose to the occasion to help us create the special event we'd planned.  We all need help from our friends, but we don't always know when.  I believe that it was only because of our positive relationships that we were able to change venues and make the event appear seamless to our guests.

Connect the Dots

Effective networking relationships are a lot like complex connect the dots worksheets.  We don't always know what the complete picture looks like when we begin, but the more connections we make the more complete the picture becomes.

It's Not About Me

I recently read a book that's not a biography, but it is all about the author.  It's a vanity book with a few glimmers of things we should embrace.  I'm Queen of Cliff Notes and think that we should always make it easy for others to understand what is most important.  When we make it difficult for others to realize our intent, purpose or meaning, they may just give up.  When the message is focused toward the audience rather than the messenger, it's easier to maintain interest.

It's another vivid reminder that in face to face encounters the 2:1 ratio should be in effect: use our two ears to intently listen twice as frequently as we use our one mouth to speak. This allows relationships to grow as we learn more of what's important to others.

Gift of Time

Many of us are racing against the clock to finish our work year and achieve all the things on our personal agenda.  There are projects, meetings and reports at work.  At home we try to combine Martha Stewart's decorating and entertaining skills with Santa's intuitive ability to create the perfect gifts beautifully delivered. We trust that the U.S. Postal Service will achieve their normal two-day delivery of our Christmas cards once we stamp the final greeting.

In the hustle to accomplish everything, we can lose focus of the joy of spending time with those we cherish.  Dinners, lunches, cocktails, galas, concerts and impromptu visits with neighbors provide the unwrapped gifts of time to enjoy our relationships.  The gift of time is priceless. 

Does Everyone Else Have Twins?

Earlier this week 10 bankers hosted 13 special guests at a business luncheon. I always look for interesting connections. As I visited with three of our attendees, I became amazed that they were each the parents of twins.  Because this was definitely not a group discussion topic, it is possible that one or more of the other 10 attendees are also parents of twins.  My curiosity caused me to find the expected incidence of twins in the U.S. population.  It is 32.1 in 1000 births. 

This unusually high incidence of twins reminded me that when we look for commonalities, we will find them.  Common denominators are the fundamental building blocks of strong relationships.

Who You Don't Know Matters

Conventional wisdom is “Who you know matters”. In so many cases, this is absolutely true. Referrals, recommendations, invitations, jobs and contracts result from relationships we’ve made and fostered. We need to continue to nurture our relationships by staying connected and continuing to add value for our friends and associates. At networking events, however, the rule changes. Networking events do provide a valuable opportunity to strengthen existing relationships. They also allow us to initiate contacts with those we haven’t yet met. If we fail to broaden our circle, we’ve missed 50% of the value that can be derived from networking events.